Stuck

I’ve written 32 draft blog posts lately… and I haven’t posted a single one.  They aren’t ready yet.  I can’t seem to finish them.  I will confess to you that this one doesn’t feel quite ready yet either… but I am hoping by publishing it, I can get unstuck (at least with my writing).

It’s interesting because today I realized this is exactly where I am at in my life.

Stuck.  Unpublished.  Waiting to feel ready.

If you can believe it, I am just about six weeks away from my separation anniversary from AJ.  It’s a strange anniversary to think about.  If I never discovered any of his secrets, maybe I’d be planning our anniversary trip to celebrate three years of marriage.  Instead, I am stuck.  It’s not necessarily a bad thing… it’s weird.

I am happy and I wouldn’t undo anything that has been done since June 5, 2017.  I feel like a new person.  I’ve grown in many ways, had a lot of fun, and made some new friends.

But I am stuck when it comes to dating.

Don’t get me wrong, dating has been a blast and a serious ego boost for me.  To have great guys with amazing qualities give me attention is intoxicating.  I used to have to remind (sometimes beg) my husband that I needed compliments and physical touch, but now I get attention without asking.  I get it because someone sees my worth.  That is amazing.

It is amazing because although I never (quite) lost sight of my worth, I did question it when I was with AJ.  He didn’t validate me, compliment me, or show me off at parties.  I felt small, unnoticed, and ignored.  I constantly tried to seek his affection and he constantly failed to provide me with any.  No verbal validation and no physical affection.  After years of that, how could I not loose sight of everything I bring to the table?

As much as I hate saying it, the attention I get now has validated me.  It’s nice to feel wanted.

Even with great guys to choose from and my self confidence restored, I am stuck.  I downloaded a dating app and I have been on regular dates over the past several months, but as soon as I start to get excited about dating someone, I suddenly feel completely blocked.  My heart just stops feeling.

An example of my internal dialogue lately;

Oh my goodness, this guy is super great.  Really!  How does he have all of these qualities?  Jackpot! 

Yes… still crushing on this guy super hard.  

Okay… now I don’t feel anything… what gives?  I’ll just keep trying… nope.  Nothing.  Nothing?  Nothing.

It feels like there is something wrong, but I can’t diagnose it.  Potentially, I just haven’t found the right guy and clearly I am a little more cautious than I once was.  Maybe, I just haven’t worked through something internally yet.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not in any rush.  I enjoy being single.  I love being smushed between my two adorable pups each night in my king size bed.   I enjoy feeling free and not feeling the need to check in with someone else if my plans change.  I feel great knowing that I don’t need to keep track of anything for anyone else.  I love (but also hate) doing my own yardwork and saying “I don’t need no man!”.  I love buying one ticket for things I want to do.  I like knowing if there is a mess that I made, I can clean it up whenever I want.

Still, I remember all of the things I loved about being an “us”.   But how am I supposed to be an “us” if I can’t get there?  What is the secret to unlocking that part of feeling in my heart again?

You see… I am stuck.  Not a bad stuck.  But stuck nonetheless.

I wonder if it is just the thought of approaching the one year mark.  I wonder if it’s because I haven’t found the right person.

I wonder if it’s because I am not the right person yet. 

I wonder if this post will remain unfinished like the others…