The other day I was having a bad day. Nothing provoked it, and it seemed as though nothing could stop it. My negative attitude attached itself to me like a tattoo. Small annoyances piled up and I was left with only one choice…Red wine, sweatpants, and Chinese food.
As usual, I attempted to portion out my “comfort meal” and only eat a small portion. However, the third glass of red wine convinced me to keep going. Every bite was amazing.
I went back to the kitchen for a final bite and I saw two fortune cookies poking out of the bag. I never really enjoy the taste of the cookie (does anyone??), but figured why not and selected the cookie that was deeper in the bag.
I plopped on my couch, sipped my wine, and cracked open the cookie.
“Life is lived forward, but can only be understood in reverse”
Wow… finally a fortune cookie that has a helpful fortune. (For context, one of my previous fortunes was “If you are still hungry, eat another fortune cookie”…)
Rather than thinking about it further, I turned on the most recent episode of The Bachelorette and discarded the fortune.
The next day, with a fresh attitude, those words rattled around in my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about how true it was. A year ago, I couldn’t see a single reason for my divorce. I couldn’t comprehend it and I didn’t want to. I was hurting, confused, and so angry.
As I look back at the past year and few months, understanding settles in. That doesn’t mean that every day is filled with purpose, understanding, and enlightenment… but I do see the value in all of the pain. I see the growth that I had from it and the potential for a bright future.
We have to remember that our perspective will continuously shift. I remember saying, soon after leaving AJ, “I just need to make it one year”. I thought that being one year removed from my divorce would mean I’d be completely healed, completely happy, and (maybe) completely in love with someone new.
None of that is true. My perspective had to shift.
I’m mostly healed. I’m mostly happy. I mostly love myself.
The fortune cookie made me realize our goals, our arbitrary hopes for the future, need to constantly shift and align with life. We can move forward with goals in mind, but maybe we can understand why we may not reach certain goals within our original timeline as time moves forward.
I can’t wait to gain further understanding of this time in my life… eventually. I won’t understand my bad days while I am in them, but I am sure it’s all bringing me to something great.
I’ll just wait.