It’s been over a month since my last blog post… and that feels good in ways, bad in others.
It feels good because it almost feels like I have reached a new “level” in my healing. I don’t crave this as an outlet as much as I once did. I also have less to say on the topic of my divorce. Some days I don’t even think of the laborious path to get here… I am just here. As if it happened suddenly…
It doesn’t feel great though because I love this. I love writing and potentially helping others through my words. I miss it. I miss loving on others through these posts.
As per usual, I have countless draft posts that don’t seem to say enough. They aren’t complete. They are just spurts of things I wanted to say in one moment or another… Moments of loneliness. Moments of anger. Moments of self-pity.
The other day I had an experience that brought back a moment of triumph.
Some of you may remember Alice from my earlier posts. She saved me from pushing forward in my marriage that was past repair.
The truth is, had I not spoken to Alice I don’t know what my life would look like today, but I do know some things for sure;
- I would have [tried to] “believed” AJ and stayed to satisfy my portion of my vows, my promise to God.
- I would have been scared every second of another affair.
- I would have checked my husband’s phone/email/texts/pockets/etc…
- I would have lost myself in my insecurities.
- I would have punished AJ for the pain he caused me…
All of the above would have led to a new me. A different me. A me I wouldn’t like. A bitter, angry, shell of a woman, unable to trust anyone. Honestly, I would have likely ended up divorced due to resentment regardless. I would have pushed on, but I didn’t actually want to, I felt I HAD to. I know my heart would have forgiven, but to forget wouldn’t happen… and normal would never be normal again.
But that’s just me… I give all my trust blindly upfront and take it all away once I am betrayed. I can’t change that.
I know plenty of people who have moved on from infidelity and had great relationships. People who can think differently than me…
Thankfully, I had Alice. She shared with me details of her relationship with AJ, and I made a decision based on my husband’s inability to be the one to come clean. Their stories didn’t match. Alice’s story lined up perfectly with actual events in my life, in AJ’s life. I knew she was honest.
So I made the decision to leave. I executed the decision to leave. I’ve been healing ever since with a different list;
- I live vows to honor myself everyday, to be honest, faithful, kind.
- I do not fear anything.
- I do not need to check up on anyone.
- I celebrate my strengths and identify my weaknesses to improve them.
- I felt the pain and let it go.
Alice did that. She freed me from pain, suffering, bitterness.
The other day, she reached out to check in on me. She had heard about Hurricane Florence and didn’t know where I lived. She was thinking about me – checking in.
I had a lovely conversation with Alice and then I was transported back to when we first spoke. I remembered her kindness when everything was unfolding that June. Her kindness and understanding. Her honesty. Her encouraging words.
She released me. I am forever grateful.
Thanks for checking in, Alice.