Regardless of the pain, the changes, the relief, the anger, and every challenge that has faced me this past year, I wouldn’t change a single thing.
If none of this happened, if I never found out, who knows how long I’d live with AJ, blissfully unaware or the affairs and lies.
I remember the day I uncovered everything and discovered the depths of AJ’s lies, I told my mother that I wished I could have just remained unaware. I thought it would have been nice to continue being happy in my “happy” marriage. I thought it could have been worth it to be shielded from the truth and live in my own, non-existent reality. AJ would have pretended to love me, I would have continued to give love and ask for what I needed in return, we would continue to ebb and flow and nothing would have changed. Initially, I thought that would have been great.
Let’s just press rewind.
I read an article recently in which a woman who decided to knowingly sleep with married men tried to justify their actions. The men would tell her that because their partner didn’t know, they weren’t hurting their wives.
Same goes for women who cheat as well. If their husbands don’t know, “it won’t hurt them”. Or perhaps they are planning to leave their husbands and cheating to pass time, which is something I heard recently as well.
Their husbands and wives just remains in the dark… blissfully unaware. Assuming that the problems could be corrected. Hoping for a repair to an issue that is so far from the root of the problem. Uneducated on the depths of deceit of their spouse.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that staying blissfully unaware in a mediocre marriage wasn’t something I actually wanted for myself. I said it because I didn’t want to deal with the hurt, but the truth is, that hurt was already there… all along. I just didn’t know.
As I have mentioned before, AJ and I had issues in our marriage. I tried desperately to fix these issues, but I didn’t have all of the facts. I didn’t even have enough information to properly diagnose the problem. If we had gone to counseling, and had he not disclosed his affairs, we’d still be unable to find a solution.
I would have spent the rest of my life trying to pour myself into improving my marriage and my efforts would have been a complete waste. I would have continued to throw solutions at things that weren’t the problem.
In early 2017, after over two years of struggles with intimacy, I felt myself breaking. I felt myself wondering if I could keep trying to address the issues in my marriage without seeing a change. I tried everything I could think of. AJ provided excuses or reasons as to why everything was okay and why we didn’t need improvement.
It makes me think about how different my story could be today. Would I be happy? Would I be in love? Would I be hopeful? Would I have continued to try to solve the equation with missing information?
The one thing I know for certain is that I wouldn’t be here. Right here I have an opportunity for all the things I didn’t get with AJ. Mutual respect, genuine love, genuine trust, an opportunity at a lasting relationship.
The click of a laptop key was the change in my awareness. I am so thankful for that moment and every single moment since. I am no longer fighting a losing battle. I am no longer trapped by a selfish person who refused to give me enough respect to disclose his mistakes and allow me the ability to decide for myself what I wanted in my marriage.
How could I have chosen a path for my marriage without all of the truth?
Those who choose to hide information from their spouses to protect them are actually doing their spouse a disservice. You are hurting them. You are stealing their ability to choose. You are stealing their ability to diagnose and address the issue. You are selfishly meeting your needs without asking what your spouse might need.
I remember AJ trying to justify his actions. In hindsight, I see there was no valid excuse despite his desperate attempts to push the blame onto me. I was not perfect, nor do I think any person is, however I did everything to breathe life into my marriage everyday, even with the issues we faced as a married couple.
So perhaps your spouse has been focusing more on their job than your marriage. Or maybe they have issues with anger or depression. Remember no one is perfect, including yourself. Adding infidelity to the equation isn’t the answer, but if you have, honesty is the only starting place.