I’ve written 32 draft blog posts lately… and I haven’t posted a single one. They aren’t ready yet. I can’t seem to finish them. I will confess to you that this one doesn’t feel quite ready yet either… but I am hoping by publishing it, I can get unstuck (at least with my writing).
It’s interesting because today I realized this is exactly where I am at in my life.
Stuck. Unpublished. Waiting to feel ready.
If you can believe it, I am just about six weeks away from my separation anniversary from AJ. It’s a strange anniversary to think about. If I never discovered any of his secrets, maybe I’d be planning our anniversary trip to celebrate three years of marriage. Instead, I am stuck. It’s not necessarily a bad thing… it’s weird.
I am happy and I wouldn’t undo anything that has been done since June 5, 2017. I feel like a new person. I’ve grown in many ways, had a lot of fun, and made some new friends.
But I am stuck when it comes to dating.
Don’t get me wrong, dating has been a blast and a serious ego boost for me. To have great guys with amazing qualities give me attention is intoxicating. I used to have to remind (sometimes beg) my husband that I needed compliments and physical touch, but now I get attention without asking. I get it because someone sees my worth. That is amazing.
It is amazing because although I never (quite) lost sight of my worth, I did question it when I was with AJ. He didn’t validate me, compliment me, or show me off at parties. I felt small, unnoticed, and ignored. I constantly tried to seek his affection and he constantly failed to provide me with any. No verbal validation and no physical affection. After years of that, how could I not loose sight of everything I bring to the table?
As much as I hate saying it, the attention I get now has validated me. It’s nice to feel wanted.
Even with great guys to choose from and my self confidence restored, I am stuck. I downloaded a dating app and I have been on regular dates over the past several months, but as soon as I start to get excited about dating someone, I suddenly feel completely blocked. My heart just stops feeling.
An example of my internal dialogue lately;
Oh my goodness, this guy is super great. Really! How does he have all of these qualities? Jackpot!
Yes… still crushing on this guy super hard.
Okay… now I don’t feel anything… what gives? I’ll just keep trying… nope. Nothing. Nothing? Nothing.
It feels like there is something wrong, but I can’t diagnose it. Potentially, I just haven’t found the right guy and clearly I am a little more cautious than I once was. Maybe, I just haven’t worked through something internally yet.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not in any rush. I enjoy being single. I love being smushed between my two adorable pups each night in my king size bed. I enjoy feeling free and not feeling the need to check in with someone else if my plans change. I feel great knowing that I don’t need to keep track of anything for anyone else. I love (but also hate) doing my own yardwork and saying “I don’t need no man!”. I love buying one ticket for things I want to do. I like knowing if there is a mess that I made, I can clean it up whenever I want.
Still, I remember all of the things I loved about being an “us”. But how am I supposed to be an “us” if I can’t get there? What is the secret to unlocking that part of feeling in my heart again?
You see… I am stuck. Not a bad stuck. But stuck nonetheless.
I wonder if it is just the thought of approaching the one year mark. I wonder if it’s because I haven’t found the right person.
I wonder if it’s because I am not the right person yet.
I wonder if this post will remain unfinished like the others…