The 1%

I have written a lot about my difficulties with healing after my divorce, but most (if not all) of them put a positive spin on all of the shit that this journey comes with.  I do that to support and encourage my readers, but, truthfully, I do it a lot for me.  Most of the time (let’s call it 99% for the sake of my title), I am this badass woman, with the confidence and resilience you might have read about in my previous posts. But there is a part of me, sometimes, that is the complete opposite. A puddle. What do I do then? Pretend I’m okay. Hide my sadness. Push on. It’s a real life fake it till you make it… and the best part is that I know this works for me.

I am a generally positive, cheery, confident person, but sometimes, I need to push myself until I actually feel it.  It’s like how people say if you smile, you can pull yourself out of a bad mood and I’ve been doing this my whole life.

Here’s an example…

I have always been a tall girl and I used to HATE it.  Back in middle school and high school I would slouch my shoulders and try to make myself appear shorter.  I was taller than most of the boys, but people always told me I should love my height.  So I tried.  I was a cheerleader, and my height was a benefit to my stunt team.  In my role, I supported both of the bases, ensuring they were keeping our flyer level.  Our stunts were solid, and I felt like my height was a contributing factor.  There’s a point for height… I started to like my height a little…. Then I went on to compete in pageants, and my height helped me look long and lean on stage.  Eventually, I saw what the judges saw… I began to love my height.  Now I rock heels nearly 90% of the time.  No second guessing and no slouching.

Fake it till ya make it!

It’s the same, in a sense, for my positive outlook and hope for a brighter future. Some of this happy-go-lucky mentality is in me inherently.  Some of it was developed over the course of other difficult, heart-breaking situations I dealt with earlier in life.  Another part, is purely faking it.

That’s the 1%.

Approximately, 1% of the time I am beyond negative.  I dislike everything about me, I doubt my worth, and I feel disgusting.  I head to this dark place and there isn’t a whole lot anyone can do to get me out, including myself.

The other day was a rough one for me. Not a single thing provoked me, so this isn’t an aftershock, this is something different.  A separate byproduct of divorce.  A separate byproduct of all of the bad stuff in my life, beyond AJ.

Do you know what it’s like to feel unwanted, unworthy, and completely ashamed of who you are?

Unfortunately, I am sure you do.  We all feel it at times, no matter how happy we appear, or how blessed we are.

I sat alone in my living room for hours.  Not speaking.  Not moving.  Just sitting there.  The feeling transported me back to that floating in a pool like a bug feeling I mentioned in Anger.  Beyond the feeling of nothing, I felt like I was worthless.  Sitting there in my living room, alone… the same living room I used to spend Friday nights with my husband in, eating pizza and drinking wine…. the same living room I found the photos of his girlfriends in.  Everything hit me.  Everything and more.  My whole past slapped me in my face.

My circumstances…  The logistics… The mess I have on my hands…

In that moment, there was no positive vibes to be found.  No faking it till I make it.  Truth be told… I lost my shit.  I sobbed the way I haven’t sobbed in months.  Unprovoked, but somehow feeling this intense sadness and despair.

No internal pep talk was available. I was just empty.

I began to write, and somehow that didn’t even improve my mood.  I made tea, and that didn’t provide any bit of relief.  I made a martini, and I couldn’t even enjoy the taste.

Sometimes, 1% of the time, there is no immediate cure for me.

I went to sleep and woke up feeling exhausted, but in much better spirits.  I was back to my usual pleasant self.  No explanation, no easy fix.

The point of my blog today is not to leave you with some fun, positive antidote on how to be happy in the midst of divorce…. The point is, we all lose it sometimes.  Back when I was newly separated from AJ, it was a higher percentage of feeling lost, but now, as time passes, it becomes less and less.  It happens.  Let it happen, and keep it moving.

Don’t be disappointed in your “1%”.

One thought on “The 1%

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