A day dedicated to couples in love, or even those new couples “in like” can be a particular trying 24 hours for those of us who are single.
I can’t remember what Valentine’s Day was like prior to AJ.
I do remember my very first Valentine’s Day with him. It was actually our first date.
AJ and I were long distance, so our first date included two flights with a layover and tons of delays, an awkward but adorable meeting by the baggage claim, a shot of tequila at a hole-in-the-wall Mexican spot, and a weekend of sightseeing in Charlotte.
We decided to exchange gifts to celebrate our new relationship and I had an extra few goodies for him as well since his birthday falls right after Valentine’s.
Upon arriving to his place, he gifted me a card and an empty box of chocolates with a sticky note saying, “sorry, got hungry”. I laughed so hard, I decided not to care that I couldn’t play chocolate roulette, especially since I only ever like about 2 chocolates out of the entire box. I also gave him a card and I spent the night before my flight making chocolate covered bacon (before it was cool), which was nearly impossible to travel with. I was so excited to give those to him. I was even more pumped to spend time with him.
This day meant so much to me. I finally was able to spend time with the guy I’d thought about for four years.
Throughout the years with AJ we had some amazing Valentine’s Days. I’d cook something delicious, he’d finally give me full boxes of chocolates and flowers. We’d always exchange beautiful cards, and he’d tell me things like,
You are my whole world.
You mean everything to me and more.
I didn’t even think about how this day would feel after my divorce. It wasn’t until earlier today that it even hit me that it’s February 14th. I stopped into my local grocery store and it looked like Cupid, himself, threw up every flower, decoration and chocolate covered strawberry ever made. Reminders of giving a gift to your loved one were throughout the store. Luckily, my hunger was motivation enough to push past all the love paraphernalia, and complete my shopping trip.
I don’t feel lonely, or sad, or pathetic. I feel nothing. I feel that floating bug feeling I had months ago.
Today has been a day of small chores around my house and binge watching Netflix. A day of mediocrity. But after reflecting on Valentine’s Days of the past, it’s clear I need to change the course for today.
Luckily, I have wine, the ingredients to make a bomb mushroom pizza, and there’s a macaroon store calling my name.
I’m going to treat myself the way I’ve always treated my Valentine.
Self-love has been the best thing about my divorce. I feel so happy with who I am and the potential love I have coming to me in the future, that being my own Valentine this year and potentially years to come isn’t sad, it’s amazing.
Will you be your Valentine?