Falling Again

I have spent so much time ensuring I was healing “the right way”. Hoping and praying that when I found my next relationship, I would jump in without hesitation, fear and without the lingering effects of my devastating heartbreak.

I swore I would trust fully and throw fear out of the equation. The risk is worth the reward! I can endure anything, especially now that I have endured the worst.

Right?

It couldn’t be further from reality. I’m thrilled to say I am falling in love, but I also can’t help but feel like perhaps I am failing in love instead.

Failing. A word I have felt too closely describes so much of my past, I was certain it would have no place in my future. Unfortunately, it is there, mocking my perceived successes.

I am afraid. I am terrified. It’s debilitating. I feel a lump in my throat just from typing “fear”. I thought I would be fearless, but I am more afraid now, than I have ever been.

I am afraid that opening myself up means I will wind up back at Day One eventually, and I won’t be able to pick myself back out again. I won’t be able to have a team pick me up. I am afraid another heartbreak would ruin me.

I’d disappear. Dissolve. Vanish entirely.

I have worked so hard to be so happy in my own skin, in my own life, that bringing another person to it threatens my very comfortable equilibrium. I am so filled with joy, satisfaction and comfort now. What if falling in love means I am close to my next failure?

I’d love to write a powerful paragraph about how I can push past this and see that I will be okay regardless of the outcome. I’d love to write how strong and resilient I am and that those qualities are who I am at my core. I wish I could say my strength was pushing me through.

I can’t.

I am desperate to get there. Afraid to get there. I can see how my fear is holding me back. I take one step closer to love and build more walls to protect myself. I want to tear the walls down, not build them higher, but here I am. Doing the exact opposite of what I would most certainly preach.

I don’t even have a proper solution or game plan. I’m just standing at the edge, looking at this wonderful potential with a really wonderful person. And I am stuck. Stuck in quick sand of fear.

I guess the question I need to ask myself is, do I fail now, or fall now with the potential to fail later?

An easy enough answer on paper… but how?